Regulating Yourself First: The Key to Parenting with Calm & Connection

Last week was one of those weeks that felt like a total whirlwind. Work demands piled up, deadlines loomed closer, and the pressure felt relentless. I found myself juggling tasks and responsibilities, feeling overwhelmed and on edge. During this particularly stressful time, I faced a challenging moment with my son regarding his schoolwork. Walking into that situation already feeling off-balance unfortunately turned what could have been a constructive conversation into more of a battle. Once the dust settled, I recognized how my feelings influenced the way I engaged with my son. I decided to take a moment to regulate myself, made his favorite cornbread for dinner, and invited him to talk with me. I initiated a repair, acknowledging my feelings about how our conversation had escalated and taking responsibility for my choices. I offered an apology and shared what I would consciously work to do differently next time. And, of course, there was a big hug ❤️

In those tough moments, let’s remind ourselves that we’re all human. It’s totally okay to feel overwhelmed; it’s just part of the parenting ride. What really counts is how we choose to respond and grow from these experiences. By taking a moment to breathe and focus on our own well-being, we can turn these challenges into chances for deeper connection and understanding with our kids. After all, that’s what real life and parenting is all about.

So how do we do that? That's the million dollar question isn't it! First, we need to nerd out a little and talk about our nervous system!

Our nervous system is constantly at work, processing signals from our environment—picking up on cues of safety or stress. The autonomic nervous system is responsible for our body's stress response and has two main branches:

1. Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) – Think of this as the "gas pedal." It activates our fight-or-flight response during stressful moments, leading to increased heart rate, blood pressure, and muscle tension.

2. Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS) – This acts as the "brake pedal," helping our bodies to rest, recover, and connect with others.

   
   

At the heart of our ability to find balance is the vagus nerve, which plays a crucial role in calming our bodies and fostering emotional connection. When we face challenges like exhaustion, chronic stress, or past experiences, it can be difficult to stay calm and present for our children.

So, how on earth do we regulate our nervous system when things get chaotic or overwhelming? Here are a few strategies that you may want to consider!

1. Pause Before Responding: Take a deep breath and notice any tension in your body. Giving yourself a moment before responding can help you shift into a more regulated state.

2. Engage the Vagus Nerve: Gentle humming, deep breathing, stretching, drinking a cold glass of water or placing a hand on your heart can activate the vagus nerve, signaling safety and calm to your nervous system.

3. Mindful Breathwork: Try box breathing (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4) or focus on long exhales to engage your parasympathetic system.

4. Ground Yourself Through Sensory Input: Sip warm tea, notice five things in your environment, or press your feet firmly into the ground to help you feel present and safe.

5. Self-Compassion & Reframing: When frustration arises, instead of being hard on yourself, try saying, “I’m having a tough moment, I can choose how to respond.”

6. Prioritize Rest & Well-being: Your nervous system thrives on sleep, nourishment, movement, and connection. Simple daily habits—like drinking water, getting fresh air, or listening to calming music—can make a big difference.

   
   

Do those strategies feel manageable? Which do you think you'd like to try?

Remember, this journey doesn't require perfection. We won’t always get it right, and that’s perfectly okay! Regulation is about awareness, repair, and practice—not about eliminating frustration or tough emotions. Parenting isn’t about never losing patience; it’s about learning and leading by example. We show our children how to navigate emotions with self-awareness, compassion, and resilience.

The next time you feel stress rising, take a moment to pause, breathe, and regulate yourself first. You’re leading the way for your child, and that’s a beautiful thing!

Sending light and love,

Bethany 🌻